This last weekend has been terrible. All I wanted was for people to have a good time. Just…DAMN IT. DAMN IT ALL. EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT even though I do everything for the sake of others! DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!
I feel like my best friend is bothered by me. I feel like no matter what I do, she has to demean it and make me sound stupid. And she acts annoyed by me all the time. I don’t know who my friends are anymore.
And my family, my family is ripping me apart. I want to spend time with my family, but whenever I’m home, my mom is cleaning and crying on the inside, my brothers are playing video games or dragging a tornado through the house, and my dad is working.
And all I can do is try my best to stop the fighting and screaming. All I can do is let them shred me to pieces. They are family; I love them and would die for them, would be tortured for them. I would beg to die if it meant my family would be safe. All I wanna do is keep my family happy, but I cannot have a social life if I want to do that.
I’m tearing at my seams. I’m ripping into shreds.
EVERYTHING I DO IS A FAILURE. No matter how hard I try to please everyone, I can’t do it without everyone destroying me in the process. And it seems that every time I do something that I’m proud of, it’s actually crap, or everytime I try to plan a trip that’s supposed to be fun, it turns into crap.
I just feel like a failure, like no matter how hard I try, I will never be appreciated.
Selfish selfish selfish SELFISH; that’s what I am. All I want is to be appreciated. Why can’t I simply be happy because my friends are happy? I’m dying, I’m crying, and nobody will hear me because nobody ever truly does.
